Sunday 28 January 2001
Final update for this version
Final update for this version of Grayblog:
last night I went to the bar. Andrea and Kev were there, but this time I didn’t leave. Instead I talked with Andrea and muttered at Kev – bought them drinks too. Amazingly bloody civil of me. All I really wanted to do was to pick Andrea up, hold her close, take her home. We talked, but nothing is going to change. I am finding this very VERY hard, even if I am apparently being “brave and strong” (Andrea’s words) about the whole thing.
Anyway, enough said.
Saturday 27 January 2001
ANNOUNCEMENT: make the most of
ANNOUNCEMENT: make the most of reading this blog in it’s current form. Sometime in the next couple of days, the Grayblog archives will be deleted from the navigation, and a new project will begin, still at this URL (cos I’m too skint to buy a new one), complete with new archive files. (The old archive will continue to exist, so if you have linked to them, don’t worry, your link will still work).
It’s time for me to move on, start over. Things have changed and are changing faster than I can really take in at the moment, but somehow I have got to deal with those changes, deal with the people involved (including Andrea and Kev – Chichester is too small and I love my bar too much not to) and [deep breath] change myself and my life. Those who really know me will know that I am not a great fan of change, and tend to prefer safety and stability, but sometimes events and circumstances call for drastic action. Now is one of those times.
Thanks to everyone who has read Grayblog since September, especially those people who have been kind enough to give me feedback and support, particularly during the last couple of weeks. I can’t promise that the new content will be quite so dramatic or “exciting” as this version of Grayblog, but I hope you’ll understand my reasons for doing this.
all the best
xxx <–where appropriate!
just when you think things
just when you think things can’t get any more strange, I just got a knock at the door – Bora. Now, the last I knew, he was in Paris and planning to rent a flat there. Now he is in Chichester, back at his old job at Comme Ca restaurant, and things all seem quite odd. Hey-ho. But it’s great to see him again and have him back in town.
didn’t sleep at all last
didn’t sleep at all last night – well, about an hour and a half. feel crap this morning. not sure if I want to go out tonight – not sure I can face another night like last night. equally, staying in and feeling sorry for myself doesn’t seem to be an option either. ideas?
Friday 26 January 2001
I have never felt so
I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
Here follows an account of this evening’s events:
– went for hair appointment with Jo. She hadn’t spoken to Andrea, and naturally was shocked and stunned by events. In fact, she was nearly moved to tears – I’ve never seen her like that before – she nearly was speechless, which for Jo is quite something. I dunno – we really couldn’t do much for each other.
– came home and cooked dinner. Another oven-ready pizza – I haven’t cooked anything properly since Andrea and I split, as cooking for us both was, for me, an intrinsic part of our relationship. That and taking a bath are the two things I can’t do (shower city here) – food and the bath were two things we always shared.
– called just about everybody – no answers from anyone.
– called Sarah. Both feeling crap, so arranged to meet here (my place) and head down to W2 for a few beers.
– got to W2. Met up with Kearn. Had been there about ten minutes when they walked in. I don’t think I have ever felt so tense in my life – seeing the two of them together made me both intensely angry and intensely sad at the same time – anger, fury, sadness, love and nausea all at once. Andrea offered to buy me a drink – all I could do was mutter a refusal. Decided to leave and head down the road to the Nag’s Head. Left Sarah and Kearn behind with them. If I’d stayed, I think I would have hit one and cried at the other (I don’t mean Sarah and Kearn).
– stood in the Nag’s on my own, drinking a pint and feeling sorry for myself. Took about fifteen minutes to drink that, and realise that no-one was going to follow me from Woodies – don’t blame them, they are caught in between two lots of people, and there are two of them and only one of me. Decided to go home.
– just as I was leaving, spotted Paul F. Thank god. So went over and talked with him, with another pint. Promised that I would write here about how amusingly ironic it would be if I was to go out with Tanya – just like to point out – NEVER gonna happen. Nice friend, but that’s as far as it goes. At least Paul managed to extract a smile or two from me – rare event these days.
– headed with Paul back to W2 to say to Sarah that I was heading home. I could see in Andrea’s eyes that she wanted to talk to me, but I don’t think that the bar is the place. I’m too cut up about the whole thing and I’m not entirely sure that they understand just how much hurt they have caused. If we started talking about it in the bar, I can foresee that I’d just cause a scene, probably punching one and sobbing on the other (yes, I know I said that before – but I really do feel that way).
– so, instead, I have come home. I feel more alone than I have ever done. I can’t really go and tell any of the guys this, else I’d appear as the drama queen (drama king?), and that wouldn’t really help anyone, least of all me.
– I still love Andrea. Stupid huh? I’d do anything to get her back, to curl up with her at night again. I can’t believe we have broken up. Yes, we had our differences – different taste in music, different tastes in TV and film, etc. But I always felt that we got on at a personality level like nobody has got on with me before. And the fact that I had little or no warning that things were going wrong, no chance to discuss things, to try and put things right, is something that makes me feel incredibly useless and powerless. Andrea, if you read this …. I love you. I don’t want that to sound empty or throw-away. I mean it.
– as for Kev. I can’t believe how insensitive he has been. I’ve held back from saying this in this medium before, but seeing him tonight made me feel that the time has come to say what I mean. I can’t believe Kev could be so insensitive, to throw in my face nearly 20 years of friendship and trust. To keep secret from me for nearly a year something that he must have known would be so important to me (assuming what he says is true – and I don’t know what to believe any more). One or two people have suggested that we might become friends again given time….I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is true. I feel so betrayed, used, angry. Kev – if you read this, I want you to know that I feel used. Why did I trust you? Andrea is the person I love more than anyone I have ever met – you knew that. You knew I was planning and saving for a future with Andrea. You knew how important she was to me. And yet, given the news that Andrea and I were falling apart, did you give any consideration to how I felt – your “best mate” for nearly two-thirds of our lives? From my point of view, it doesn’t look like it.
– all-in-all, the whole thing makes no sense to me. I know I’ll seriously get some stick for typing this here. But it’s (part of) what I truly feel. All that I held true is gone – my best friend’s trust, my good friends, my favourite bar (my second home), and above all, the love of someone I love more than anyone I have ever met. That is why I feel alone.
I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. This weekend I have to do some college work. I have a pile of reading and a couple of assignments to complete. I’m really not in the mood. Life just seems to have entirely lost it’s focus at the moment. I’ve lost my way – I don’t know where to go and what to do.
Got to stop now – can’t focus on the screen any more – not beer, tears.