Sunday 7 January 2001
[blows dust off blog] hi
[blows dust off blog]
hi honey, I’m hoooome!
yes, I am back from my wanderings in Derbyshire, and am currently sorting out my e-mail. A full and in-depth update will be posted tomorrow when I am on my PC at work and not this thing (which was built before the term “mega” was added to “hertz” to describe processor speeds). I also need to do a few revisions to the blog layout, particularly to the list of favourite blogs. so check back tomorrow, ok?
Monday 8 January 2001
a week in Derbyshire in
a week in Derbyshire in summary:
- it was actually Staffordshire
- it snowed
- there was a power failure on New Year’s Eve – for 20 hours.
- we drank a lot – I mean gallons!
- we ate even more
- there was a blizzard
- there was walking
- silly games were played (Jenga by candlelight should be an Olympic sport)
- surprisingly few arguments took place
all in all, a good time was had. there is talk of planning another group holiday, although my finances, liver and waistline would all really appreciate it if that wasn’t for some considerable time.
photos may get posted here if I get the inclination.
Vaughan tells an interesting story.
Vaughan tells an interesting story.
Robyn asked me not to
Robyn asked me not to link to her new project unless/until I thought the content merited a link.
I have passed judgment: judge for yourself
Man to do time for
Man to do time for shooting alarm clock – which is pretty much how I felt this morning.
Subbuteo streakers ‘a bit of
Suicide man took no chances
Suicide man took no chances – you can’t be too sure with these things.
Porn videos to blame for
Porn videos to blame for male impotency – and it’s nothing to do with rampant Romanian pollution, obviously.
Tuesday 9 January 2001
Woman attends ID parade after
rant of the day: some
rant of the day: some people have suggested that they may publish the details of the killers of Jamie Bulger (for whom an injunction was passed yesterday to protect their identities) on an international website, outside of the jurisdiction of the British courts. regardless of your opinions regarding the judgment made in court yesterday, I think that it does no good to the campaign to maintain freedom of speech on the internet if the spirit (if not the letter) of the law is flouted so obviously. whilst the courts may have no power over international websites at the moment, if such behaviour continues, you can bet that governments will begin to press for those powers – and then where will freedom of speech be?
Robyn wonders where the self-cleaning
Robyn wonders where the self-cleaning kevlar underwear is that she expected to be wearing when calendars read “2001″. Vaughan draws comparisons with 1984.
Where did you think you’d be in 2001? and what did you expect to see?
Stargazers should get clear view
Stargazers should get clear view of eclipse. Good news, as yesterday the forecast was for cloud over southern England. I anticipate a trip into the murky depths of Oaklands Park to get away from street lamps and take a look at this.
Witches act to deflect lunar
Witches act to deflect lunar eclipse doom – *phew* – we’re all safe from gloom and doom now. unless you live in the US, of course.
Laughter clubs multiply in Singapore
Laughter clubs multiply in Singapore after expert’s visit -the new karaoke? you heard it here first.
Criminally underappreciated bands of the
Criminally underappreciated bands of the last ten years – features two of my favourites: Bark Psychosis (way ahead of their time) and Laika (not poppy enough to ever be mainstream). But I’m sure everyone would have their own favourites…don’t you?. Mine would have to include Bowery Electric and my affection for Boards of Canada grows by the day.
Link poached from Vaughan’s recently repainted Wherever You Are.
Nico at my2p points out
Nico at my2p points out that the font Verdana doesn’t work under Linux. Since about 5% of my readers are Linux users, the bylines now appear in Arial. I’m sure you will all be pleased about that.
web usage stats are an
have been a bit remiss
have been a bit remiss in the TPL updates: score for week before last: 30 points
score for last week: an amazing 69 points. takes my total to 557, ahead of Kev for the first time this season, and roaring up the league table.
lunar eclipse update: weather forecasters
lunar eclipse update: weather forecasters have reverted to earlier forecast of excess cloud, so little chance of seeing the eclipse here. guh.
have now completed the latest
have now completed the latest set of updates to the blog design – these are a revision of the favourite blogs list, the addition of a lovely pic of my beautiful visage, an addition to the music links list, and the inclusion of an AIM link. AIMers please note that I am usually logged on over AOL, and AOL5 does not have the same level of functionality as AIM. However, the AOL6 CD is on its way, so I’ll approach your levels of technical wizardry shortly.
BBC Signs Quiz – I
guh. have just found out
guh. have just found out that my college course, which I expected to restart next week, actually restarts tomorrow. not happy.
The customer can count on
The customer can count on us to assertively revolutionize high-quality best practices in order that we may quickly develop best of breed information so that we may endeavor to continually disseminate client-centric services to delight the customer. Fantastic. This is just the sort of stuff that I’m learning on my marketing course. Link (once again) poached from brainsluice.
German army to get “field
Student takes 20 models to
Date with geek on internet
Wednesday 10 January 2001
TPL score: a shocking minus
TPL score: a shocking minus 2 points, reducing my total to 555. I suppose that was to be expected after last week’s 69 points.
have just been advised authoritatively
have just been advised authoritatively that my college course does in fact start next week and not this. the college couldn’t organise a piss-up in a brewery.
so, if no college, I guess I’ll be going to the pub quiz tonight instead.
the lunar eclipse actually turned
the lunar eclipse actually turned out to be quite spectacular. the cloud was patchy and thin, and so I was able to see most of the eclipse. for me, it was most spectacular at the partial stages, the ruddy rustiness of totality being somewhat lost in the misty high cloud. but a stunning sight nonetheless – as my neighbour said as we watched it together: “it makes you feel a bit small, really”.
The perils of excessive drinking
Woman survives on tea for
Woman survives on tea for 17 years – sounds like Andrea!
Man “survives on water and
Man “survives on water and sun” for a year – amazing stuff.
Family sue neighbours over dog’s
Romanian man drinks caustic soda
Romanian man drinks caustic soda by mistake – why would anyone use caustic soda to make soup?
the decorators are out in
oh yeah…in other news, yesterday
oh yeah…in other news, yesterday I went out and spent £300 on a new CD-player, as my old one was getting a bit stubborn to say the least. for those that are interested, it’s a Denon UM-D30 CD/tuner/amp, and very sexy it is too. got it all plugged in last night, and am now setting about deafening the neighbours.
you probably missed this headline.
you probably missed this headline. the man was identified as Neil Stevens, an architectural blacksmith who lived near here, and someone I had met a few times. I admired his work – he designed much of the interior of Buzby and Blue hair salon in Chichester (where Jo works) and I spent many hours leaning against his work in Woodies before the bar was replaced last year. Paul F went to school with his brother. very sad indeed.
Thursday 11 January 2001
can’t say that I’m cheerful
can’t say that I’m cheerful this morning. expect a blogging hiatus.
The ultimate computer productivity tool
The ultimate computer productivity tool – apparently.
In Passing… – Robyn pointed
everyone else is doing it
everyone else is doing it so why shouldn’t I? here’s my StorTrooper:
and here is a gallery of blogging StorTroopers collated by Jen.
I think mine is a rather good likeness – particularly the receding hairline.
tax authorities are the same
tax authorities are the same the world over, it appears.
Bob the Builder “swearing” on
Ever wanted to be a
Ever wanted to be a porn-star? (link leads to boss-friendly content)
I am in no mood
I am in no mood for working today. I can’t focus on anything. I warned of a blogging hiatus at the beginning of the day, but I’m actually finding it to be a useful distraction from thinking. If anyone has any good jokes or stuff they want to e-mail me, go right ahead.
Friday 12 January 2001
This is Andrea. I
This is Andrea. I love her very very much. Up until yesterday, she was my girlfriend. Yesterday we broke up after ten months, sixteen days and nearly twelve hours of unbridled happiness. I’m not sure I really understand why. Please excuse me if I don’t blog much for a few days.
Monday 15 January 2001
just a short note to
just a short note to say thanks to everyone who has sent kind words.
I’m still struggling with the whole thing at the moment, and would do anything to wake up and find things were different. but life doesn’t usually work like that.
as always with these things, the whole situation is far from simple – in fact it is very complicated. I may tell you about it one day, but I don’t think I can/should at the moment.
near-normal blogging will be restored shortly, as surfing the web and looking at crap has been quite good therapy over the last couple of days – anything that stops me from thinking is a good thing to do.
Tuesday 16 January 2001
ok, well I’ve decided to
ok, well I’ve decided to publish the whole story, as far as I currently understand events. This is the most horrible thing that has ever happened to me, and I guess I’m just wandering around in shock at the moment.
As you know from previous posts, Andrea and I parted last Thursday. I hadn’t really had any warning at all – I had suspected that she was unhappy about something, but felt that we knew and loved each other well enough that if she wanted to talk about it she would. I put a good deal of it down to the fact that she had only just gone back to work for the new term, which is something she always finds stressful.
The reason she gave for wanting to end our relationship was that she didn’t love me enough. I’ve been keen for us to move in together, and had even talked about a longer term future (yes, marriage), although for practical reasons and also with regard to Andrea’s nervousness, I was prepared to wait and wasn’t going to force the issue. I couldn’t envisage us living together much before the end of this year at the earliest.
Well, according to Andrea, she feels that I’m not the one that she wants to be with for the long term, and it is best that we split now, and not six months, a year or two years down the road.
Naturally, I was devastated. When I got to work that day, I immediately sent e-mails to my best friends Sarah and Kev. Sarah called me straight away, and said not to worry and to talk about things in the evening, which was exactly what I planned to do. Kev basically just said “shit”, offered to meet for lunch (which I couldn’t do) and then went quiet.
Later in the day, I got the first bombshell – an e-mail from Kev, telling me that he had had “feelings” for Andrea ever since I had introduced them, about four or five days after we had met. It was because of these feelings that he had split with Tanya last year.
Now, please bear in mind that Kev is no ordinary mate to me. He has been by best mate for nearly twenty years – more than two-thirds of my life. We have holidayed together, got drunk together, shared secrets – everything you would expect two lifelong mates to do.
So, after work, I arranged to go to Andrea’s flat to talk things through, hopefully persuade her not to leave me, and then discuss how to deal with Kev.
When I got in the door, and before mentioning Kev, she said that she knew I would want to talk, but that she wasn’t going to change her mind. You can guess my reaction – after such a long and happy time together, I just dissolved.
We did talk it through for a while. And then I showed her Kev’s long e-mail (two sides of A4). She told me that she had no idea how he felt (which I believed – yet now, I am beginning to doubt), but then came the second bombshell – she said that she felt “feelings” for Kev too.
Well, I’ll spare you the details of how I spent the whole weekend crying and shaking. Sarah, Fi, DAGS and Robyn have all been fabulous – without them, I don’t know what I would have done. Somehow, during the course of Friday and the weekend, I managed to go and give two presentations, and also clear up my flat and put all Andrea’s things into bags – an incredibly hard thing to do, as each item has so many memories attached to it. There are some things I just can’t touch at the moment – the bag full of souvenirs from our holidays together is still sitting under the table, untouched. I can’t bear to look at them. And there is a big pile of photographs too.
On Sunday night I called Andrea. She didn’t return my message – I now know that she must have been at Kev’s. She called me back last night, and I arranged to take her stuff round to her and pick up my things from her flat – and for us to give back each other’s keys.
It was very hard. I was in tears, she wasn’t – she just kept saying that she “had to be strong for both of us”. Eventually, I asked her if she had spoken to Kev. She looked me in the eye, and I knew what she was going to say:
“and are you going to see each other?”
When I left Andrea’s a short time later, I drove straight to Sarah’s house (Andrea phoned ahead to say I was coming). Poor Sarah – her boyfriend Jeremy was there for the first time in nearly two weeks, having been away for work. I don’t remember anything about driving there. When I got there, I just sobbed on Sarah’s sofa.
So, you can see, I’ve lost the woman I loved more than any other, the one I really, honestly thought I might stay with. And I’ve lost the bloke I loved more than any other, my best mate for nearly twenty years, who I’d shared everything with.
I’m full of “why” questions at the moment. I’m also doubtful of so many things that I previously thought were true. I’m not even sure that I should have trusted Kev and Andrea. Probably not. But at the same time, I can’t believe that Andrea would set out to hurt me – in fact, I’m convinced that she didn’t. And I’m worried for her too – I just don’t think that Kev is the right person for her, and I think that she is going to get hurt. I’m not just saying that because I’m the jilted party, but because I know her and care for her.
What now? Well, I’m in recovery. It’s going to take a while to get out of this hole. Bear with me.
And why have I blogged this? Because I need to tell this story. And, if Kev reads it, I want him to know how I feel – that I still love Andrea and would do anything to get her back. But that he’s blown it – that he can’t ever expect to regain the trust and friendship that he had with me. And when he splits with Andrea, I won’t be here for him. But I will be there for her.
I wonder if I’ll ever
I wonder if I’ll ever be able to trust anybody again.
This is probably the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Memories keep running through my head of various things that happened, things that were said, parties, nights at the bar. The memories are not helping. There are some good memories too – though I’m not sure that they help ease the pain either.
Anyway, I’m going to stay with my parents tonight. Crap TV. Good food. A book that Fi lent to me. Safety.
Wednesday 17 January 2001
Further thanks for kind messages.
Further thanks for kind messages. There are some kind and generous people out there, including “real” friends, “virtual” friends and people I’ve never heard from before.
One or two people, including at least one of my “real” friends, have questioned the wisdom of relating the whole thing on my blog. I guess they are wondering who I hope will read it. Well, I guess I’ve written it as much for myself as anyone – it has been a cathartic exercise, and has helped me build a better picture in my mind of what has happened (although whether that has helped is a matter for conjecture). I suppose I also think that the people involved and my friends will read it too. One of the reasons for that is that I find it easier to write down what I really feel than to say it – I’m just a bit emotionally damaged at the moment, and I’m frightened that what comes out of my mouth may not be what is in my heart and mind. The long post I wrote yesterday took me nearly two hours to compile – I wrote bits, deleted them, read it through umpteen times, re-edited it, re-read it – over and over and over. I even thought about deleting the whole thing, and writing something about the weather, or posting a few links to Romania stories on Ananova. But I’m sure that what I wrote there is what I truly feel, hurtful as parts of it may seem.
Other people have said that time will heal. Well, I guess that can be true, but scars sometimes linger. I think back to the last time that someone I really loved broke up with me (and I didn’t love her anything like as much as I love Andrea), even though that is now nearly four years ago, the scars are still there. This time the wounds are deeper and have been inflicted twice over. One or two people have written to tell me of similar experiences in their lives – I know I am not unique. I guess that helps, but I’m not yet sure how.
There is nothing that I have written here that Andrea did not already know – including my feelings about Kev. If I learnt anything about Andrea in the time we were together, it is that me saying anything that is intended to deter her from her chosen path will serve only to make her more determined to follow that path. So I will not add anything more to what I have already said in Grayblog, which is no more than I said to her face. My love for her is such that I can only wish that she finds what she is looking for – I certainly do not wish her anything bad, and I hope that she will be happy.
And, of course, I do wish for her back. I miss her so very much. I won’t bore my poor readers with the little things that I miss – they even include her used teabags on my kitchen worktops, and the toilet lid always left open. But above all, I miss her in the mornings.
And, yes, I think maybe I should have seen this coming. They say that love can be blind, meaning we don’t see the other’s imperfections. I knew Andrea’s imperfections, and loved her just the same. But it also means that we are sometimes blind to what is happening. I guess that is why all of this is such a shock to me – I was blind, I didn’t see it coming.
Where I go from here, I’m not quite sure. New beginnings do seem a good plan. My cousin offered to give me a weekend break in London, which I’m going to take her up on. She thinks I need a fresh start. Other friends, especially DAGS, are determined to get me back on my feet and functioning again. Sometimes I feel ready for that – at other moments, I just want to curl up and hide with my sadness.
One thing I have to do is begin to focus on work again – I have done hardly a single productive thing since last Thursday, and whilst my parents will tolerate my inactivity for a while, there is a limit. It’s a family business after all, and we all rely on it to a greater or lesser degree. At least being busy may stop me thinking so damned much.
some semblance of normal blogging
some semblance of normal blogging service: a TPL update: 20 points, taking my total to 575. Not a great week. Hughes transferred out, Hreidarsson in.
Thursday 18 January 2001
god, this is so hard.
god, this is so hard. I keep catching myself falling into a bit of a trap of self pity, which is incredibly easy to do, and I’m trying to avoid it. I know that if I do fall too far into that trap, I’m just going to piss people off.
Last night wasn’t easy. It was my first night back at college for the new term. I’d already let Heather, Leigh and Charlotte know (by e-mail) what was going on and not to expect me to be too cheerful. Inevitably there was lots of catching up to be done – none of us had seen each other for a month. We had a new tutor (Sandy) who is quite a laugh and there were a few jokes flying around. But there were hard moments too – Libby has got engaged over the Christmas period, which is really great but made me feel a bit sorry for myself. Then there was a discussion of peak business times during the year for the legal profession, and how they are always busy after Christmas dealing with relationships breaking up. I know these are stupid little things, but at the moment, some stupid little things can seem quite big.
We’re going to go for a drink tonight after college, which will be good. It’ll save me going straight home, as that was one of the worst bits last night – I’m so used to going home from college and finding Andrea there waiting. Not that we ever did anything great or spectacular after I’d been to college – usually I just cooked our dinner and we went to bed. But I couldn’t help but think that that is not going to happen any more.
Food is an issue too at the moment. I have never been very good at cooking for one – not the actual cooking, but the quantities – cooking for two is so much easier. Since last Thursday (yes, one week today – only a week! it feels like years) I’ve eaten much less than normal – I’ve been trying to control my weight a bit anyway, so it’s good news on that score. I just have a problem with cooking anything. Last night was the first time I actually cooked much – reheated some veal escalopes (which weren’t very nice) and did some vegetables. Then when it was ready, I just picked at it.
I guess it’s just that I’ve got so used to doing everything with Andrea, all those little everyday things that normally you don’t think about, that doing anything on my own is a struggle and brings back memories. Last night I sat with my dinner, looking across the table to where she used to sit.
OK – I am wallowing now. It’s not helping me. It’s probably pissing you off. I’ll try and stop it.
At least I’ve got some work done this morning.
I keep having the most
I keep having the most horrible thoughts. The ones that go: “have they slept together yet?” “have they been out together?” “where did they go?” “what did they do?”
I know these thoughts are not helping, but I can’t stop them – I push them out of mind and they just find their way back in when I’m not looking.
Another thought which I’ve been pondering for the last few days is the position that my poor friends find themselves in. They have all been brilliant and really supportive, and can totally understand how and why I feel like I do. But equally they are caught between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I don’t envy them at all.
I still haven’t told my parents the whole story – they don’t know about the Kev element yet. I’ll have to, somewhen.
Friday 19 January 2001
post-pub blogging is always a
post-pub blogging is always a dangerous thing to do, but here goes anyway….
in answer to my dear friend Robyn‘s ponderings, Deckert’s first name was Frank. I know because I flicked through the book once whilst in Borders in Brighton, so therefore I am an authority. And, yes, I was disappointed too.
Tonight, I had a brilliant evening thanks to DA, DAGS, Kearn, Paul F and James W, with support from Claudette and Kristian – occasionally it is really good to know who your friends are. Unfortunately the college crowd couldn’t make it in the end, but we plan a drinks session for a couple of weeks time. I’m in a much better mood now, although I seriously still miss Andrea. But, hey, I don’t think that she is ever going to come back to me, so maybe it is time to be more forward looking. And thanks to Sarah P too, for being cheery in the text message department.
Obviously I’ll be as miserable as sin tomorrow when I’m in hangover central, but I’m making the most of this whilst it lasts.
Also, kudos to Tom for mentioning Carolus Linneaus, bane of the life of any horticulturalist like me.
And, interestingly, since everything involving Andrea blew up, and word spread that I had blogged it, I have received two requests for paid work to design/construct websites – for money! As someone who has only ever designed websites as an aside to proper work or as a glorified hobby, this is hugely flattering, and something I may just take up (after not a little consideration).
this morning I have a
this morning I have a hangover.
and yes, I miss Andrea incredibly. I would *still* do anything to get her back, which might seem surprising to some observers, but she is an amazing person. *sigh*
time to head off for
time to head off for the weekend. planned for this weekend: fixing washing machine (assuming correct part has been sent); doing laundry (subject to the first one); drinking beer (assuming favourable circumstances); going to dinner; going for a walk; missing Andrea enormously; trying to get back on my feet; college reading stuff.
I’ll let you know on Monday how many of these are actually achieved.
Sunday 21 January 2001
Sunday night review of the
Sunday night review of the weekend: how many of my objectives have I achieved?
- fixing washing machine – failed. Indesit sent the wrong part. guh.
- doing laundry – achieved. Took my laundry over to my parents and did it there – hopefully by tomorrow it will all be dry and I’ll be able to bring it back. That should give me enough to keep me going until I get my machine fixed.
- drinking beer – achieved. Friday night I met up with Sacha, Tanya, Fi, Nick and Nick’s fiancee Anne, as well as bumping into Leigh and also James W. We went to the Dolphin and Anchor, which was particularly cold and unwelcoming, and then came back here (my place) afterwards.
- going to dinner – achieved. And what a night that proved to be. But all you need to know is that we met at Sadlers for beer, moved to ASK for food, and then ended the evening in Woodies. After Woodies, we went out to Thursdays nightclub, which isn’t usually an experience I enjoy, but it wasn’t too bad, and it was Tanya’s birthday after all. In the end, I ended up back at Ian’s talking about life, drawing and the graphic novel until around 5.30am (walking through the empty streets of Chichester on a damp, drizzly, foggy night, whilst quite pissed and feeling very mournful is about the best mood enhancer I know – I once made a compilation tape to listen to in the car and called in “Late at Night and It’s Raining”, just for when I was in that sort of mood – must dig it out!). So today has been shot to pieces as I didn’t get out of bed until 12.30, which is almost unheard of for me.
- going for walk – failed. The plan had been that Sarah, DAGS and I would go for a stroll on the Downs today and have lunch in a pub somewhere, but the weather wasn’t very inspiring (steady rain and very low cloud), so we decided to go for lunch instead. We went to The Vestry in Southgate, my first time, and had a pretty good lunch. Naturally we sat and chewed things over – it seems that we can’t do anything much else lately.
- college reading stuff – failed so far. Might do some in a while. Have been and purchased the new text that I need to read, so that is something I guess.
- missing Andrea – achieved, needless to say.
- trying to get back on my feet – failed mostly.
It all just keeps running round and round and round inside my head. Things like the thought of the two of them going to the pub together and spending the night together just make me feel nauseous – literally. I’m still so very hurt by the whole thing, that it’s hard to feel any other way.
Sarah went to visit Kev on Saturday, and Andrea was there. She (Sarah) phoned and told me as I was walking around Waitrose, and I had to go and hide by “margerine and butter” whilst I composed myself – it doesn’t look good to walk through “cheese and yogurt” with tears running down your cheeks.
A few things have come to mind – I’m single now, I can’t really see much chance of Andrea ever come back to me (but GOD – I’d give ANYTHING to make that happen). So, with being single and lonely, I guess it’s time to start looking for someone new. At the dinner at ASK, I met Tanya’s neighbour Jodie, who is very pretty. We sat opposite each other for the meal, and chatted extensively. As you might expect, I was flirting away, and was doing quite well (or so I thought) until she said “Well, I’ve just started seeing this new bloke….” which I took as a sign. Hey-ho.
Of course, going out with anyone at the moment would be an absolutely disastrous thing to do – I’m still in love with Andrea, and all I’m really looking for is a bit of company and possibly even a touch of revenge (although I’m not sure exactly what sort of revenge that would be). The thing I miss most of all is having someone to share things with (all I have now is you, dear invisible, unknown reader) – I had been looking forward to dinner last night for a couple of weeks, and it should have been something I’d been sharing with Andrea, with my best mate there too. But I’ve been dumped by one and betrayed by the other, and now they are “seeing” one another. ack. Having a new girlfriend would certainly give me some sort of “defence” when eventually I do meet them again (which I know will happen sooner or later and is something that makes me sick with apprehension), but at the moment I’m quite happy to avoid them – I even have an escape plan should they come into Woodies whilst I am there. Of course, if I did have a new girlfriend and used her in that way, it would be utterly utterly unfair, and not really the way I work.
It isn’t just the special occasions that I miss sharing with Andrea, it’s the everyday things too – sharing meals, sharing a steaming scented bath, listening together to the very good Doves album which I bought just the night before we split and will now always be associated in my head with a time of sadness, meeting up with Sarah and DAGS for lunch (the conversation would certainly have been different!), and, yes, sharing our bed and waking together in the morning. My flat is only small, yet it seems incredibly big and empty without her here.
So what now? Should I keep chuntering on about it on my website on a daily basis until everyone stops feeling sorry for me? I know it may not appear that way, but I am actually trying to be upward and forward looking, whilst dealing with the whole thing from inside, and quite a few people have said that I’m handling things amazingly well – I met a friend in the street yesterday, and she said that I was “surprisingly perky when all things are considered”, which I took to be a good thing. At least I’m like that on the outside.
And then there is the book idea – looks to me like this would make a great story, although possibly a bit Mills+Boon-ish. But then, if it was proper Mills+Boon, the boy always gets the girl in the end, and that seems unlikely from my perspective at the moment.
oh I don’t know. I’m quite taken with Gemma’s new beginnings idea. DAGS is going to keep an eye open for any suitable job opportunities in marketing at IBM. Charlotte (from college) is doing a similar thing at Zurich. But somehow those things seem a bit more temporal, and may not necessarily help with the more emotional issues that I’ve got to deal with. So in the end, we end up coming back round to “time”. guh. At least a new job would give me more money, which would be a major-league boost at the moment, as the finances are precarious to say the least.
Maybe just thinking less and doing more might be a good thing.
Either way, I’m going to go and do some reading now – not the college books, as my mind is just not ready to deal with them. Nope, it’s going to be Memoirs of a Geisha, which is a very splendid book, and is certainly keeping my mind full at the moment.
Monday 22 January 2001
from my horoscope for today:
from my horoscope for today: “Do something out of the ordinary with a friend tonight. You are ready for someone to convince you to try something different. Don’t worry about what everyone will think, just do it!” hmmmmmm.
apology to Indesit: it seems
apology to Indesit: it seems the correct component was sent. I’m looking at my existing part and thinking that it may not have actually become damaged, merely moved from where it should be. So there may in fact be nothing wrong with my machine. hey-ho.
Someone I know has got
Someone I know has got a PC infected with the Hubris virus, as I’ve received it about 10 times (and have removed it on each occasion). If you get an e-mail from someone calling themselves Hahaha with a short story about Snow White, then that’s the one. Do not open the attachment – you will not be infected unless you do so. For more info, go to ZDNet. Of course, readers of this site have more sense than to open attachments from people called Hahaha.
Hmm. Girlfriend. Washing machine. Best mate. Virus. What next?
Tuesday 23 January 2001
hmm. There are things afoot
hmm. There are things afoot that I can’t talk about here. But as Robyn put it when I told her, “one door closes and another opens – or rather, one door is slammed in your face.”
Really wish I had “someone” to share all this with. However, in her absence, I’ll just have to make do with thinking about it myself. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know as soon as things are definite one way or the other.
God, I am really depressed
God, I am really depressed this evening. I thought I’d been doing really well for the last couple of days – none of the sitting on the edge of the sofa sobbing uncontrollably. Well, I haven’t quite got back to that level of despair, but I’m not far off. Maybe it’s because I’ve just done a bit more tidying up in the flat, packing away and throwing away a few more memories. Whatever the reason, I am feeling very low right now, in spite of the two bits of good news I have today (one which I can’t talk about yet and may not be a piece of good news anyway, and the other being that my washing machine is ok after all – which is actually bad news in a way too because I have imposed my laundry on my mum and wasted thirty-odd quid on a part I didn’t need).
I really am VERY depressed. I miss Andrea like … oh, I don’t know, but I miss her. I’d do anything to hold her tonight.
Wednesday 24 January 2001
has anyone got any suggestions
has anyone got any suggestions for shifting this really miserable mood I’m in? Things keep popping up to remind me – last night I was tidying and found Andrea’s Christmas present wish-list (most of which she got), scribbled on the back of an envelope. This morning I went to my pile of socks as I was getting dressed and pulled out Andrea’s knitted black gloves – she’ll have missed those last week. And there is still a very large pile of photos from our holidays together that I just can’t find the strength to deal with – so they sit in the middle of my living room floor.
And even though I know that going out with someone new now would be a bad idea, I can’t think of any way that I’m going to get to meet new people. The bar is off-limits (although I’ve been there twice now – but only in the knowledge that Kev wasn’t there), and I don’t want to go anywhere else and sit on my own. Not that I really want to go out with anyone new – what I really want is to get back together with Andrea, but that is as likely as my flying to the moon by flapping my arms.
I’m also aware that people will not put up with me feeling sorry for myself for ever – they’ve been really good so far.
OK – I’m going to go and do some work – “keep busy” they say – yeh, right.
TPL update: 25 points this
TPL update: 25 points this week. Total now 600.
in view of my ranting,
in view of my ranting, moaning and self-pity for the last fortnight (god, is it only two weeks? not even that!), read what Meg wrote last night. I know exactly what she means.
Everyone wants to be asked
Everyone wants to be asked questions (well, everyone being Meg, Tom and Vaughan – and Vaughan is only doing it half-heartedly). I have loads of questions at the moment, but I don’t think these people would have the answers.
dumb things is interesting. one
dumb things is interesting. one to watch, methinks.
Thursday 25 January 2001
mood update: I feel about
mood update: I feel about the same as yesterday.
I had a fairly long and quite vivid dream last night – it didn’t help.
I wish I knew how
I wish I knew how to do this because it is very cool. I like “b” most of all. I particularly want to know because I have recently told someone that I have “good working knowledge of HTML”, and may have to prove it.
Mother Teresa lava lamp.
Today, I have spent more
Today, I have spent more than half an hour on hold to the Indesit spares department, trying to sort out returning my unwanted washing machine part. I think it is possibly one of the worst examples of customer service I have come across in years. And, no, I have no worries about publishing this here.
They have agreed to take the part back, but will only give an 80% refund to cover handling. That, and the £2.77 it has cost to post back, means that I am £8.17 down on the deal. guh.
Friday 26 January 2001
last night, I went out.
last night, I went out. It was good to get out of the flat, get a few beers in, read the paper and get some moral support from people. Thanks guys.
Strangely, in spite of the beer (which usually aids sleep), I had a lousy night’s rest, lying awake from around 3am to around 5am. The trouble is, my body is beaten and exhausted by all this, but my brain is still coming to terms with it – that doesn’t make for a good combination.
I’m not looking forward to
I’m not looking forward to the rest of this afternoon – I have an appointment at Buzby and Blue hair salon with Jo. As you may recall, it was Jo who originally introduced Andrea and me to each other. I have no idea if Andrea has already spoken to her, but either way she (Jo) is going to be really upset. And then we’ll sit and talk about it all, and of course, a hair salon is a great place for that sort of conversation – not. Ah well – I’ll just have to persuade her that her matchmaking abilities are fine, but she needs to try a bit harder in my case!
And it’s raining. Great.
I have never felt so
I have never felt so alone in my entire life.
Here follows an account of this evening’s events:
- went for hair appointment with Jo. She hadn’t spoken to Andrea, and naturally was shocked and stunned by events. In fact, she was nearly moved to tears – I’ve never seen her like that before – she nearly was speechless, which for Jo is quite something. I dunno – we really couldn’t do much for each other.
- came home and cooked dinner. Another oven-ready pizza – I haven’t cooked anything properly since Andrea and I split, as cooking for us both was, for me, an intrinsic part of our relationship. That and taking a bath are the two things I can’t do (shower city here) – food and the bath were two things we always shared.
- called just about everybody – no answers from anyone.
- called Sarah. Both feeling crap, so arranged to meet here (my place) and head down to W2 for a few beers.
- got to W2. Met up with Kearn. Had been there about ten minutes when they walked in. I don’t think I have ever felt so tense in my life – seeing the two of them together made me both intensely angry and intensely sad at the same time – anger, fury, sadness, love and nausea all at once. Andrea offered to buy me a drink – all I could do was mutter a refusal. Decided to leave and head down the road to the Nag’s Head. Left Sarah and Kearn behind with them. If I’d stayed, I think I would have hit one and cried at the other (I don’t mean Sarah and Kearn).
- stood in the Nag’s on my own, drinking a pint and feeling sorry for myself. Took about fifteen minutes to drink that, and realise that no-one was going to follow me from Woodies – don’t blame them, they are caught in between two lots of people, and there are two of them and only one of me. Decided to go home.
- just as I was leaving, spotted Paul F. Thank god. So went over and talked with him, with another pint. Promised that I would write here about how amusingly ironic it would be if I was to go out with Tanya – just like to point out – NEVER gonna happen. Nice friend, but that’s as far as it goes. At least Paul managed to extract a smile or two from me – rare event these days.
- headed with Paul back to W2 to say to Sarah that I was heading home. I could see in Andrea’s eyes that she wanted to talk to me, but I don’t think that the bar is the place. I’m too cut up about the whole thing and I’m not entirely sure that they understand just how much hurt they have caused. If we started talking about it in the bar, I can foresee that I’d just cause a scene, probably punching one and sobbing on the other (yes, I know I said that before – but I really do feel that way).
- so, instead, I have come home. I feel more alone than I have ever done. I can’t really go and tell any of the guys this, else I’d appear as the drama queen (drama king?), and that wouldn’t really help anyone, least of all me.
- I still love Andrea. Stupid huh? I’d do anything to get her back, to curl up with her at night again. I can’t believe we have broken up. Yes, we had our differences – different taste in music, different tastes in TV and film, etc. But I always felt that we got on at a personality level like nobody has got on with me before. And the fact that I had little or no warning that things were going wrong, no chance to discuss things, to try and put things right, is something that makes me feel incredibly useless and powerless. Andrea, if you read this …. I love you. I don’t want that to sound empty or throw-away. I mean it.
- as for Kev. I can’t believe how insensitive he has been. I’ve held back from saying this in this medium before, but seeing him tonight made me feel that the time has come to say what I mean. I can’t believe Kev could be so insensitive, to throw in my face nearly 20 years of friendship and trust. To keep secret from me for nearly a year something that he must have known would be so important to me (assuming what he says is true – and I don’t know what to believe any more). One or two people have suggested that we might become friends again given time….I’m sorry, but I don’t think that is true. I feel so betrayed, used, angry. Kev – if you read this, I want you to know that I feel used. Why did I trust you? Andrea is the person I love more than anyone I have ever met – you knew that. You knew I was planning and saving for a future with Andrea. You knew how important she was to me. And yet, given the news that Andrea and I were falling apart, did you give any consideration to how I felt – your “best mate” for nearly two-thirds of our lives? From my point of view, it doesn’t look like it.
- all-in-all, the whole thing makes no sense to me. I know I’ll seriously get some stick for typing this here. But it’s (part of) what I truly feel. All that I held true is gone – my best friend’s trust, my good friends, my favourite bar (my second home), and above all, the love of someone I love more than anyone I have ever met. That is why I feel alone.
I don’t think I’ll sleep tonight. This weekend I have to do some college work. I have a pile of reading and a couple of assignments to complete. I’m really not in the mood. Life just seems to have entirely lost it’s focus at the moment. I’ve lost my way – I don’t know where to go and what to do.
Got to stop now – can’t focus on the screen any more – not beer, tears.
Saturday 27 January 2001
didn’t sleep at all last
didn’t sleep at all last night – well, about an hour and a half. feel crap this morning. not sure if I want to go out tonight – not sure I can face another night like last night. equally, staying in and feeling sorry for myself doesn’t seem to be an option either. ideas?
just when you think things
just when you think things can’t get any more strange, I just got a knock at the door – Bora. Now, the last I knew, he was in Paris and planning to rent a flat there. Now he is in Chichester, back at his old job at Comme Ca restaurant, and things all seem quite odd. Hey-ho. But it’s great to see him again and have him back in town.
ANNOUNCEMENT: make the most of
ANNOUNCEMENT: make the most of reading this blog in it’s current form. Sometime in the next couple of days, the Grayblog archives will be deleted from the navigation, and a new project will begin, still at this URL (cos I’m too skint to buy a new one), complete with new archive files. (The old archive will continue to exist, so if you have linked to them, don’t worry, your link will still work).
It’s time for me to move on, start over. Things have changed and are changing faster than I can really take in at the moment, but somehow I have got to deal with those changes, deal with the people involved (including Andrea and Kev – Chichester is too small and I love my bar too much not to) and [deep breath] change myself and my life. Those who really know me will know that I am not a great fan of change, and tend to prefer safety and stability, but sometimes events and circumstances call for drastic action. Now is one of those times.
Thanks to everyone who has read Grayblog since September, especially those people who have been kind enough to give me feedback and support, particularly during the last couple of weeks. I can’t promise that the new content will be quite so dramatic or “exciting” as this version of Grayblog, but I hope you’ll understand my reasons for doing this.
all the best
xxx <–where appropriate!
Sunday 28 January 2001
Final update for this version
Final update for this version of Grayblog:
last night I went to the bar. Andrea and Kev were there, but this time I didn’t leave. Instead I talked with Andrea and muttered at Kev – bought them drinks too. Amazingly bloody civil of me. All I really wanted to do was to pick Andrea up, hold her close, take her home. We talked, but nothing is going to change. I am finding this very VERY hard, even if I am apparently being “brave and strong” (Andrea’s words) about the whole thing.
Anyway, enough said.
Monday 29 January 2001
Welcome to “in light of
Welcome to “in light of all that’s gone before…”, a.k.a. “Son of Grayblog” or “Grayblog II”.
Regular readers of Grayblog may have begun to share my feelings that it was getting a bit too self-gratifying and had reached something of a dead-end. It was also pretty depressing.
In view of the fact that I am trying to be forward-looking and positive, I thought it was time to condemn Grayblog to a dusty corner of the web where few people would find it. If you particularly feel the urge to read the old archives, then mail me and if I’m feeling particularly magnanimous and I like you, then I’ll tell you where they are. Not that I’ve moved them – it’s just that they had a clumsy URL, and all the links are disappearing. Anyone who has links to the archive at their site will find that their links are not broken.
So, what does this new project promise?
- a new design (somewhen soon, I promise – sorry, it’s just a variant on the old design at the moment)
- at least a veneer of cheerfulness
- news, diary and such stuff
- links to interesting websites, including music, news, blogs, sillyness – the usual fodder
- no more Romanians – I think I’ll pick on the Chinese instead
- and, to quote Duckman: “things…..stuff…..more things and stuff”.
Keep the feedback coming in the usual fashion, and “thank you for your continued support”.
as usual, Robyn can be
as usual, Robyn can be relied upon for pithy comment. She’s just quizzed me about the new name for this blog (it’s the name of Sam Brown’s latest single – the next line in the song is “I can deal with almost anything”, which seemed a positive sort of attitude), and then we got to bouncing around alternate name ideas: It Came From Planet Grayblog, Attack of the 50ft Grayblog, Swampgrayblog, Grayblogzilla and (Robyn’s favourite) Grayblogzuki. comments?
Tuesday 30 January 2001
in view of the lukewarm
in view of the lukewarm reaction that the new weblog name has attracted, I’ve decided to put it to the test: here is an e-mail poll to ascertain the most popular name for this blog. Thinking with my marketing head, I’ll go with the popular vote as we all know that the best way to satisfy the customer is to give them what they want!
Please vote for your favourite name from those below. All votes in by 9am GMT 31 January (tomorrow) please.
>in light of all that’s gone before…. (i.e. the status quo)
>grayblog (why change?)
>grayblogzilla (the home of Raymond Burr?)
>grayblogzuki (seems a popular choice in certain circles)
>swampgrayblog (50s B movie theme)
>attack of the 50ft grayblog (an arresting idea – could lead to a bit of a challenge of my abilities with PaintShopPro to come up with a background image for that!)
>it came from planet grayblog
I definitely think there is
I definitely think there is a correlation between the weather and your mood. yesterday it was sunny and I was cheerful. today it is damp, grey and miserable, and I’m not. I mean, I know this isn’t rocket science, but I really think there is some truth in it.
Anyway, the votes for the blog name are trickling in, and there is a clear leader at the moment, although that could all change. If you haven’t voted, then vote now!
I am really struggling with
I am really struggling with the “veneer of cheerfulness” tonight. I can just about keep it going at the moment, and I’m determined not to get back to the ways of the old Grayblog. But those of who knew that blog, will know what I’m on about.
must stop thinking “if only…”
Wednesday 31 January 2001
Richard has a rant about
Well, the votes have all
Well, the votes have all been cast, counted, counted again, recounted just to make sure, moved around in a Ryder lorry, been the subject of a court case, counted once again and then shoved into a dusty vault for posterity.
The results are in – the new name for this blog will be grayblogzuki, which polled 46% of the popular vote, twice as many as its nearest rival (attack of the 50ft grayblog). interestingly, “in the light of all that’s gone before…” didn’t poll ANY votes at all, which reinforces my feeling that it wasn’t a popular name. Several people also suggested that I should stick with grayblog – well, if you want to do that, then I won’t stop you – the URL isn’t changing after all!
and if you don’t like grayblogzuki, tough.
TPL update: 7 points this
TPL update: 7 points this week (only one match played) – total 607. For those new to this, TPL is a fantasy football league game that I play. I’m a member of a mini-league of people who know each other that play it, and currently rank about 8th or 9th out of 30 or so people.
still trying to be cheerful.
still trying to be cheerful. The weather is not helping.
One cheery thing – yesterday a whole pile of seeds turned up from a seed exchange I belong to – this may not seem very exciting, but for someone who (usually) enjoys plants, it is a sign that spring is on its way – and, frankly, this year it can not come soon enough for me.
inevitably, someone doesn’t like Grayblogzuki.
inevitably, someone doesn’t like Grayblogzuki. tsk. Well, look, the idea came up in an AIM conversation between myself and Robyn – we both thought it was amusing (in a son of Godzilla kinda way), and I NEED cheering up, and the greatest share of respondents in the poll agreed. Now, I am a closet Godzilla addict (proper Godzilla – not the recent crap – I mean the old films with Japanese guys in rubber suits and sets made from Airfix kits), and since this blog is the new progeny of the old one, then the name seems both amusing and appropriate.
huff. I’m not changing it again. Final. As I said when I announced the result, if you want to continue calling this site Grayblog, go right ahead.
and of course, if 46%
and of course, if 46% of people have voted *for* something, 54% of people voted for something else. My weblog – an analogy for multi-party politics. Who’d have thought it?
Vaughan has a technological nightmare.
Vaughan has a technological nightmare.
my college class for tonight
my college class for tonight has been cancelled, so I’m trying to rustle up support for a beer plan. Seems that nobody is up for it, so it’ll be another night in feeling sorry for myself unless I go to the bar on my own. ack. I hate all this – I wish things were as they were before, and I would do anything to make them so, in spite of what has happened.
anyway, I’ve been on a diet for three weeks now, and I’ve reached my target (lost one stone – being stressed out helps). So tomorrow I’m allowed to eat “normally” again (i.e. less than I was before, but more than I have been for the last three weeks). But, given the state of my appetite at the moment, I’m not sure there will be much difference.
And I promise, this blog will get more cheerful.
I refuse to be drawn
I refuse to be drawn into a blogwar with rebuke.org. I am, after all, bigger than that. Besides, being “emotionally damaged”, I can do what the heck I like.